Learning to LISTEN
Since so many of my clients come to a place of feeling unseen or unheard, it occurred to me that a good place to begin with our own children would be Learning to Listen more fully and consciously. When we do, we’re less likely to make incorrect meaning around things, or overly personalize what is said to us. What if we could make life better for both of us by developing more skillful, conscious listening skills?
But where to start?
As with ourselves, the best place to listen – or be heard – is when we feel safe, whether that is geographical, emotional or even metaphorical. So number one is CREATE SAFETY.
If we can feel safe, then we are willing and eager to share. And when we share, we are KNOWN and feel worthy, which is probably what most of us mean when we discuss the concept of self-esteem.
After safety, consider the quality of information you’re taking in:
Have you noticed that you can tell a lot more about what someone is saying if you look at them? So much information is NOT what is being said, but from other, modifying forces; HOW is it being expressed, what the person looks like as they say it – – what do you notice about their body language or facial expression or even the tone of their voice? All this, taken together, creates deeper and active listening. And that means taking it ALL in. Noticing everything about what and how things are being expressed is noticing the whole, instead of just a slice.
Now for a trickier part:
Actually LISTENING, instead of judging or deciding what we’re going to say to them in response, or even shutting someone down when what they’re saying is inconvenient. If your response is judgment, or stepping all over their sharing or cutting them off, a child learns they cannot actually say what they mean or wanted to tell you. Not safely. And not feel good about it – not themselves or you.
And is it any wonder that they soon give up and don’t talk with you, anymore? Children are designed to be fast learners, and two of the things they learn very rapidly are who is safe to trust with their ideas and what they have to say. This is one of the primary ways kids learn self-esteem; if someone gives them opportunity – the time/space/freedom to express themselves and offers their full attention, their eye-contact…it creates respectful listening, The child learns a great deal. Things like:
I am important.
What I have to say is important.
My ideas are interesting and matter.
I matter.
I am…worthy!
Let’s talk about what we do with what we hear coming from our children:
A different-but-related feature of active listening is not to constantly use it as an opportunity to ‘teach them’ what you want them to do/say/think. Let them have their say, let them find their way. Gentle guidance is different than probing, insisting, or even shaming a child into the socialization you want to see. Shaming is the energetically the lowest emotion on the entire emotional scale. And automatic problem-solving for them teaches them how to become incapable of problem-solving, themselves.
Yes, we DO have to help them socialize into the world around them, from a child’s natural survival egocentricity into a responsible person of the world, we can look at that impulse habit more consciously. Ask yourself: what do I truly need to do in this moment, besides just listen? The answer might be nothing at all. It’s possible you could save any necessary ‘teaching’ for another moment in time.
Another helpful feature of conscious listening is this: AVOID MINIMIZING the child’s sharing. Saying things that were likely said to you, such as, ‘you shouldn’t feel that way,’ or ‘you’ll get over it,’ or ‘it’s not that bad!,’ are just minimizing another person’s experience. If we do this to a child we are crippling their self-knowledge and confidence.
Minimization creates the idea that the child doesn’t understand their own feelings, and can’t even trust what they are feeling is true/valid. Please don’t do it, for all the obvious (and not so obvious) reasons. Let’s not perpetuate what was perhaps done to us.
EMPATHY is about feeling with. It’s bigger than sympathy, or feeling for. Empathy truly means I am here, with you, bearing witness to what you are going through, thinking and sharing about your experiences of Life. The most important people in our lives are those who will take the journey with us. Along the road we help one another, with understanding and acceptance of our very-human experiences.
If you are uncomfortable with this, can you consider allowing yourself to sit in the discomfort anyway, at least long enough to receive the information the circumstance carries? Discomfort might simply mean something is new, uncommon for you, or even brings up something in our own past that we have put away. This is an opportunity to see their experience may have noting to do with ours, and that right now, they need us to simply receive what they have to share.
Another wonderful thing you can do for a child with listening is to help them develop several points of view. Just as with us, a child may land on the first ‘meaning’ they find, and create a ‘truth’ about their observation that is harmful. Many kids will do this; the process might be something happens and then the child concludes that it must mean something about them. For example, ‘I didn’t get picked, so that must mean/confirm that I am a loser.’ Funny how we all do that, right?
By helping the child develop different perspectives, we can smooth the way for the many surprises, bumps and lumps they may encounter in their development. Listening, then asking the child, ‘is there any other possible reason that could be happening?’ or ‘what else might that be about?’ could be the first steps towards their learning to think more consciously, instead of simply reacting from an old conclusion about themselves, others or Life.
AFTER we Listen, then what? How do we use it to help them learn more, about themselves, their emotions and Life?
A lot of us us don’t like this next part: Asking ourselves what role we played in the problem or situation. Again, this is AFTER we have first LISTENED, and AFTER they have become open to the different mis-perceptions that might have been made. Learning to take responsibility for our actions, our words and out feelings is key to becoming healthy, functioning humans with successful relationships. We can easily start by discussing causality: Did you notice that when you did that, this happened, in response? It’s a great time to help them by prompting them to consider other responses that might be better solutions – which of course offer better results and outcomes.
Even though I know we all want to help by offering our own stories and solutions, take care not to overshadow the child’s own experiences with yours. A simple, “Yes, I remember several times when that sort of thing happened to me..” might suffice. Often our own stories take the focus off the child and their own story they’re bravely sharing with you.
Trusting in the process is a nice thing to say to you, but until you feel it, until you see the results of more conscious listening to a child, faith in that phrase will have to do. The good news is children process rapidly and are usually quite transparent in how they’re feeling. And I believe there is nothing more important than teaching them they can trust you with their thoughts, ideas, feelings, actions, experiences, and with their tender learning hearts, yes?
Keeping that trust depends on your continued to be open and actively Listening, and by holding their confidences in your heart. What we share – and how we share it – is another part of the consciousness we are developing around our children. And yes, there are times when cases of potential harm must be discussed with them and occasionally shared with an appropriate party, the vast majority of our task will be to hold those confidences and experiences they have shared with honor and respect.
I have heard it said that the bottom line for both small and tall people alike, is this:
Am I safe/ok? And will it all eventually be okay?
Learning to actively listen is a key step in being able to answer, YES.
Jondi Whitis is an EFT expert living in the NYC area of the US. She is always interested in creating a better future for all, starting with our children. If you’d like to talk or work with Jondi, please contact her here: Jondi@eft4Results.com More helpful articles are on her site, www.JondiWhitis.com/blog
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