How Do You Learn to Handle Disappointment?

Disappointment is Something We Learn to Handle…or We Don’t.

Learning how to share news we don’t like, and how to handle receiving and giving it, are valuable gifts we can give to our children more easily than we think.

As with anything else, we’ll do a better job by spending a moment to first think out the task before we need to act. There’s nothing like a calm, zero-pressure moment to optimize learning. To that end, here are a few helpful thoughts to consider on teaching kids about disappointment: Tell the truth, without the spin. How you feel about it or judge a thing is probably not helpful at this particular moment.

Consider that disappointment can be an excellent teacher if we allow it. As usual, we start with ourselves: Can we imagine that disappointment carries lessons and gifts? It’s a mindset and something we grow into perceiving. And if we want to be a good teacher, we need to know how it works before we can own it and present it to another.

Not consciously allowing children to learn how to manage or navigate disappointment might imply that we don’t think them smart enough, mature enough, or even capable of handling it. (Remember, you likely grew a great deal from someone’s belief in your abilities.) Practice good Preframes. They work even better with kids than adults, from my experience. A good pre-frame tells them what to expect: (Example: “I want to talk to you about some news I heard…or, Today I heard something that’s going to change our plans a bit…, or, I wanted to discuss with you some decisions we’re all going to need to make… “)

Let them feel what they feel, and encourage them to share it; you might have to ‘go first’ to provide a good example of what it feels like to say what you mean, without over-reacting or acting out. And please remember how uncomfortable it was when others tried to change or shut down your feelings; that way we won’t be likely to do the same to our children.

If they’re not yet savvy about their feelings or talking about them, consider you may need to help them identify what they’re feeling first. This task alone is probably a bigger and more important one than the issue you wanted to share with them! I often suggest using the body to heal the mind, like so: “Can you feel that idea in your body? It’s like a sensation, right? I feel it in my stomach…where do you feel it? Our bodies are designed to feel things, as a way to think things through….” Don’t rush to provide a ‘band-aid’ or distract them with a ‘positive’ outcome. Learning how to navigate through disappointment IS the lesson here. Let it sink in for a moment; then let them respond, as they are able, by simply providing an open, non-judgmental space between you. A bit of silence can be comfortable and a sign of respect.

Validate-don’t-complicate. Your own concerns and burdens are not what you’re meant to share in this particular moment; there will be time for that soon enough. Simply try to stay focused on their feelings and reactions; provide simple observational feedback. (Example: “I see how disappointing that is for you. I can tell you’re really upset by that. I heard you; it IS unfair.”)

They likely need your help coping, now. As calmly and evenly as you can, offer them a helpful prompt that acknowledges the feeling, encourages them to problem-solve and conveys your trust that they can. Tapping is perfect for that and allows us to calm the limbic and nervous systems while we talk things out.

Patience is truly a virtue. Rome is not the only thing not built in a day : ) Know that the conversation might be continuing over time, instead of a one-and-done task. Kids need time to process, just like we do. Share that truth with them.

Let them ask questions. Give them space to ask. (Example: “I can imagine you have a few questions. We can talk now, or later. You let me know what feels right to you, and I’ll be here, and do my best to answer whatever I can.“)

Remember that no one has all the answers. Be prepared to say truthfully: I don’t know. And as you share what you know, be mindful that we live in times of fluid change and information – it’s okay to say “things might change, or there’s no way to know yet.” Assure them that you are monitoring the situation and will keep them posted, so they don’t have to worry or create conclusions to fill in knowledge gaps.

You are the model, actively demonstrating how to handle things, how to problem solve, how to accommodate Life, unfolding in a totally realistic way – no superhero messages are needed, and they wouldn’t be helpful anyway, as we’re teaching a beginner. Present only what is realistic, within their developmental range and the immediate context of the problem.

We teach them what Resilience truly means, as we model it. It might help to provide them with a story of an earlier time when you learned you could do a bit more than you thought you could, how that helped you grow, find your way or even succeed at something important to you. (Example: “A long time ago, when we moved a lot, I was afraid of having to leave all my familiar friends and places, but every time we moved I learned how much easier it was for me to talk to almost anyone; that really helped me learn how to feel confident, from the inside-out.”)

We might need help, too. Just because we’re a parent, teacher, or childcare professional, it doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes need help, ourselves. Find support for both of you. You can research or ask for help in areas where you’re concerned or feeling unsure, even just online. And even if you don’t need extra help right now, it’s reassuring to know it’s there and where to go, for times when you do need it.

And last but not least, remember, the ‘best you can do’ is often good enough. There are more moments and times to build upon what we started. We can always say, “I learned more, and I’d like to share that with you, too. Or even, I made a mistake; can I tell you what I learned? That kind of ownership is a priceless lesson in and of itself, one they can use for the rest of their lives.

Each moment unfolds from the one before it, and maybe that’s the real lesson you’ll be passing along; things change, and we do, too. If we can learn to sit in the discomfort, at least long enough to know more about the real problem at hand, or even just how we feel about it, we can generally come up with at least a couple of ideas or choices for next steps. And that is creating the Resilience we seek.

Here’s a few Tapping prompts you might tweak to use with the above ideas. Please let me hear how this worked for you, and other ideas to share: Jondi@EFT4Results.com “Even though I felt really disappointed… Even though it feels so unfair… Even though I am angry about this…Even though I can’t understand why this is happening….Even though I miss my friends and my summer and all the stuff I was looking forward to…it feels good to tell the truth. It feels good to feel what I feel, and let it move through me. It feels good to know I can talk with you. It feels good to know I can come to you for help thinking things through. It feels good to know you believe in me…..”

Jondi Whitis is a teacher, trainer, and mentor for all things Tapping, and she’d love to help out Tapping to work in your own life. She offers training classes (now online) and webinar events all year long, as well as Mentoring at any Tapping level. She is the co-author of Compassion In Action: Emotional First-aid for Children, now on Amazon. Check out other blog posts here: www.JondiWhitis.com/blog

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